As I walked in the rain earlier. I thought of a place I lived. Place I was once known for. Thinking how I should go tell them my life sucked and I was forever screwed in my head. But than there they were. The 3 people I loved most there. Well two. Darnell and mike who litteralt brought me in AA. I sat with them and ate. Than walked back with them and talked to Ethel a woman I loved who worked there. I rembered. That’s when I first became friends. December. One year. I sit here texting myself than copying it and putting on here cause I have no computer. I refuse to do anything gay on the internet and run from my problems. It’s dumb thought. My thought here now as I lay in my bed alone and sad. Is….when time has Been a while. And we see eachother will I be the next avoidance? Will I be the bad guy? Will I be forgotten. I’m alone; all alone. I don’t trust anyone, I have no reason too. It keeps racing through my head. Anger and sadness. I’ve never opened up to anyone like that and they leave, well it ends. I was asked that night to look at them. Cause I wasn’t. Didn’t she understand I didn’t want to look at a corpse as we parted. Imigine how I feel being called her beat friend and looking at me like they don’t fucking care. Than am asked to “Ryan look at me.” how heart broken I felt. How should I believe someone feelings of caring about me and not using me when the act and seem likes it’s not a big deal? But I know them all too well. It’s still ain’t right. I don’t know how to live right now. I don’t have anyone. I’ve lost my reason to get close to someone. And I ask myself “one day, not within 4 weeks. Will they care about me enough to tell them they miss me?” I say this because. It’s always been me chasing down my friend. I know them well, but they never show it. God showed me my past today. I see my present. I’ll wait for the ghost to show her and I our future. Oh boy do I love her and forgive her. And if you are reading this, which I can’t afford to read yours. Hurts too much. Know. That I hope you keep reading these. Because if you do I know you care. Even if I don’t know you’ve been reading these for a month. That day I think I could finally cry out my scared 16 year old Ryan who gets cheated on, hurt and left to die. God save me.
