Like this:

And so lies the truth between my head and my gut. I know yet my head wants to lie to me and scare me to be negative. Why? Who knows. And who cares. But my gut? Is right. Do I worry cause I love? Or love cause I worry? Good question right? I say cause I love. I feel it. My head will tell me “now Ryan now.” my gut says “you know, let it happen.” doesn’t change me telling two people what the fuck. It just doesn’t matter. Sadly never will again. I slowely am understanding each day the actuality. It’s not fun nor easy. I still can’t cry. Not fully. I still sit in meetings or alone by myself. AND Only in those two places!!!! And feel alone and scared and relieze how much I’m missing. I’m missing my world. My family, my friend, my teamate, my heart. It’s hard to be Ryan without Ryan. And yet it’s hard to be Ryan with Ryan. You know? Half of me is missing. Now I’m stuck with half a Ryan. That half is my HEAD. My heart an gut are slowely being given back to me. More to come.

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