Daryhammer's Blog

EGO

daryhammer — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 00:37:33 +0000

I recently got a desk top for my home which allows me to write easier but that was only four days ago. A keyboard is what gets me to write a lot faster since i think like a weirdo. Nothing changes if nothing changes. What if everything changes when everything changes? Well thats what has happened. A great thing i got to experience recently was being the gossiped and disliked person around…. But as of today everything is back to where it was before but it’s stronger. Except for one lad named Jacob who will never talk to me again. But Oh well i have made my peace. Theres one thing i havent experienced in a while and thats resentment. I have gotten angry but not carried it with me. I’m way out of control this last month or so. But it has slowely began to get back to normal. My filterlessness has become limitless. Im so stupid and dumb, but i love it so much my pride is getting in the way of that. Its easy to justify being mean to someone because you have never been before and theyll forgive you but thats bad thinking. I work all day, i work out 2 days on one day off. I got to meetings. I live at the same home. We get along. My family adores me. I was seeing someone who recently cannot stay sober. My life is by far fun. Sometimes i wonder if my ego has begun to lead me to bad places. But i dont think so. I pray a lot. God is always around. And i do everything i have been doing to stay sober and be me for 2 years. Ive recently reliezed people are who they are and do what they do. So will I than. I dont really know what to write about. I know this. I’m looking at Shearer Fitness card right now. Remebering where i was a year ago. Much different. Im slowely adjusting to the different reactions people get from me. Example, Ryan a year ago. “Oh hes such an amazing person he helps everyone” Ryan who is a little ‘not in good health.” NOw lol. “Oh theres Ryan.” From men i get a bad reaction if i dont know them. From woman i get a very good reaction most people would always want right? No. But what happens here is this. The woman in my life today call me all ego because of it. The men in my life get jealous and be fucking assholes about shit. Now? I am still Ryan with a big ego doing stupid things that are funny but not right. I am slowely becoming back to who i am without the ALL EGO. But….people are still acting the same way. So. Can some of my argument be true? Are the jerkoffs a little on the mind fuck games with me. I dont care. I dont really hang out with big groups of people any more. I have my voltron of men and thats it for now. Before i was hanging a lot with a girl in evanston but for today thats not the case. In a ego note. My humor has been raised probably 25% better. I don’t think during the day for less than one hour i dont make myself laugh. The mother fucking Mark kopec said something funny the other day. And of course i couldnt give him the credit. I told mark to thank me. He asked me why. I told him “because Mark i have raised your thinking capasity 80% since youve met me and now your a funny guy.” The best part of life is still to come. My life is repeative but is what it is. I pay my bils, i save money and i dont smoke since September 28th. I breath good air and i havent been sick in 8 months. So? Nothing much to say, but maybe just maybe. Ill start writing again.

Yo mother fuckers!

daryhammer — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 20:43:54 +0000

I noticed that people read this! Can ya’ll comment so I can have some instentive to keep writing. I got juicy details about my life but no influence! Give me some jerk offs.

I I II

daryhammer — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 01:02:48 +0000

Been a bit. Lots happened. Met someone new. She made me laugh twice in two days. I told her it’s dangerous for anyone to make me laugh. I began to annayze her with a lack of trust. When she told me something I questioned in my head. Text something I thought lie. But? It’s all in my head. I don’t know her yet. But…”take it slow.” changed a night ago. I can’t say she’s been on my mind all day, all night. BuT theres no one Id rather like. . I like her, and am excited to hang out with her again. Since I met her last week. I’ve been hit on 5 times. All very attractive woman. But…I’m just that guy that doesn’t take well to that. I let it make me feel good, and that’s it. My body is different. I’m a lot more loose in my confedience. My dad and I are getting close. Work is good. Boston in 6 days. God everywhere.

I don’t have to be afraid anymore

daryhammer — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 05:22:00 +0000

And so lies the truth between my head and my gut. I know yet my head wants to lie to me and scare me to be negative. Why? Who knows. And who cares. But my gut? Is right. Do I worry cause I love? Or love cause I worry? Good question right? I say cause I love. I feel it. My head will tell me “now Ryan now.” my gut says “you know, let it happen.” doesn’t change me telling two people what the fuck. It just doesn’t matter. Sadly never will again. I slowely am understanding each day the actuality. It’s not fun nor easy. I still can’t cry. Not fully. I still sit in meetings or alone by myself. AND Only in those two places!!!! And feel alone and scared and relieze how much I’m missing. I’m missing my world. My family, my friend, my teamate, my heart. It’s hard to be Ryan without Ryan. And yet it’s hard to be Ryan with Ryan. You know? Half of me is missing. Now I’m stuck with half a Ryan. That half is my HEAD. My heart an gut are slowely being given back to me. More to come.

Straight from the gut

daryhammer — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:34:49 +0000

I slowely relieze that most people live only through there head. I do 50% of the time. The other 50% is from my gut and heart. And it’s that 5″% that defines me. nothing good comes out of my head. But the intuitive, loving, athlete and friend comes straight from my gut which is connected to my heart. Our heads or at least mine is just thoughts. When I recently say hey “try to hear your gut and not your head.” I can see what is real and what is not. What a revalation for today.

Missing

daryhammer — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:49:36 +0000

Today went fast. It was a nice day out. But I still feel lost. Missing is the word I can think of. I can feel it from both our sides. And that’s why life has so much potental today. The ability to care enough to grow with others. Know them well enough to feel what they do when they’re not there. My body says sleep Ryan. So sleep I will. Boston coming up. Will be awesome. I miss my boo. 5 stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depresion than acceptance. I don’t believe that to be exactly true. It’s a human theory. But if they had a 5th in there to show where I’m at; it be missing.

New

daryhammer — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:24:49 +0000

Stuff happened this weekend. Things I’ve never done. People I’ve never met. Got reactions I’m not use to getting. Having woman who usually turn away smile and look down. Was I in to it? Yea I was. Did I have fun? Yea I did. Was it different? It was but didn’t feel different. Work in 7 hours. Ready for it. Tired. Body mostly. I just found out the vegatables, beans, and nuts I blight to eat are the MOST important part of a fast metabilsm, not protein. I’m a goof. Google helps. Got lots of food. Total different way of living today. Sad thing is. I’m still Ryan. I’m afraid of being alone lately. I try to always be around people. By myself I’m scared. Tonight I feel okay typing this, in my bed alone. Open call for evlite in November. Professional pics when I next get paid? Why? For ego? Entertainment? Nope. Because i have nothing to lose. When you lose everything, you lose a lot of fear afterwards. I still see it everywhere. Guy last night asked me about smoking. I said I got three weeks in a day. He said he had a week, than asked about another. I said yea they aren’t smoking either. Than looked at whirly ball, and saw us playing together. Than looked back at him, than back at whirly ball. And saw 10 people I barely knew. I’m glad there was nothing but good that came out of an ending that “seemed” bad. I accepted today to my mentor; just for today Richard. He said, that’s right. Now I’m back to one day at a time. “everything is exactly the way it’s suppose to be right now, nothing happens in gods world by mistake.” that’s where I’m at.

Part 2

daryhammer — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:42:50 +0000

er blame her, or feel guilty. Because she has a piece of my heart. And gods got her now. Soul mate? Yes. Tobey? Thank you. You have no idea today how I feel. Gratefull to have had such a friend. I forgive not her which I figure is the issue. I forgive myself. Phantom of the operah is playing right now. I got chills as I forgave myself again. Book ordinary people says “if you can’t feel pain, you won’t feel anything else.” like: true happiness, love and even sad.” Ive felt so much pain and even recently that no wonder why I am who I am, with so much love and happiness inside me. If only I could say I do it on purpose to become “a better loving and happy man.” but that be a lie. I don’t change no matter what today happens to me. Now who can I channel gods strength threw me to someone else? Just like Tobey did for me.

daryhammer — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:39:21 +0000

God works threw Tobey. As I hit a point of no one to turn to, I text Tobey. Her final response which just changed my attitude for the better. “whoever she is, she will always have a piece of your heart that belongs to her.” that was the moment I felt ok. She out it in female words I needed. No guilt now, no blame; just acceptance. Her next text said “and don’t try to figure out what she thinking and what’s she’s going threw, it’s gods buisness, not yours.” that kinda annoyed me, than I reliezed Tobey is right. The 8 o’clock meeting I want to was a 3rd step meeting on “attitude”, god does channel threw Tobey. I bought her a thank you card today for the next time I see her. Married with three kids to her husband who combined they have 29 Years sober. During my break at work here. I see the good in this. And will nev

God

daryhammer — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:49:32 +0000

As I walked in the rain earlier. I thought of a place I lived. Place I was once known for. Thinking how I should go tell them my life sucked and I was forever screwed in my head. But than there they were. The 3 people I loved most there. Well two. Darnell and mike who litteralt brought me in AA. I sat with them and ate. Than walked back with them and talked to Ethel a woman I loved who worked there. I rembered. That’s when I first became friends. December. One year. I sit here texting myself than copying it and putting on here cause I have no computer. I refuse to do anything gay on the internet and run from my problems. It’s dumb thought. My thought here now as I lay in my bed alone and sad. Is….when time has Been a while. And we see eachother will I be the next avoidance? Will I be the bad guy? Will I be forgotten. I’m alone; all alone. I don’t trust anyone, I have no reason too. It keeps racing through my head. Anger and sadness. I’ve never opened up to anyone like that and they leave, well it ends. I was asked that night to look at them. Cause I wasn’t. Didn’t she understand I didn’t want to look at a corpse as we parted. Imigine how I feel being called her beat friend and looking at me like they don’t fucking care. Than am asked to “Ryan look at me.” how heart broken I felt. How should I believe someone feelings of caring about me and not using me when the act and seem likes it’s not a big deal? But I know them all too well. It’s still ain’t right. I don’t know how to live right now. I don’t have anyone. I’ve lost my reason to get close to someone. And I ask myself “one day, not within 4 weeks. Will they care about me enough to tell them they miss me?” I say this because. It’s always been me chasing down my friend. I know them well, but they never show it. God showed me my past today. I see my present. I’ll wait for the ghost to show her and I our future. Oh boy do I love her and forgive her. And if you are reading this, which I can’t afford to read yours. Hurts too much. Know. That I hope you keep reading these. Because if you do I know you care. Even if I don’t know you’ve been reading these for a month. That day I think I could finally cry out my scared 16 year old Ryan who gets cheated on, hurt and left to die. God save me.